One that is at the cusp of a grandiose collapse in which humanity may never be able to recover, condemned to the wastebasket of history, left to rot there for the rest of eternity. Forgotten by its own home, let alone the infinite multitude of stars, planets, and astral dust. Humanity wants to deny life? Very well, it shall. It would appear Homo Sapiens has a suicidal impulse. I say, let it live out its wish.
And who is to blame? Why, humanity itself. The human race is the root cause of the wretched happenings that have plagued the more recent millennia, especially in the past 1 to 2 thousand years. Humanity has helped foster an unlivable, inhospitable, lethal environment for life on this great, wonderful world that we found ourselves on. One that is hostile to life, to the ones who came before us. The flora, the fauna, and their homes. In all of arrogance, as we are, at heart, Homo Hubris, we have deemed it our birthright to rape and pillage and demolish this place, with the utmost hatred and glee.
Therefore, I reject the world of humanity. And I reach out to the others who feel the same way, wherever they may be. I know some are out there. Despairing at the sins of man that lie all around us, fist fucking the planet until it finally keels over and fades into cosmic vapor. Reject humanity, I say; the time has come to no longer count ourselves amongst the legions of man.
Cast aside all of the things that humanity has made for itself, and used to spur on a nihilistic impulse to deny life, to say no to life, to destroy life itself, or at the very least, make it not something chaotic, wonderful, ecstatic, exuberant, violently passionate, but regimented, harrowing, grey, soulless, and suffocating…all of it. Its grotesque civilizations, its masses, its movementarian menaces, its “normalcy”, its need to build new worlds (because, oh so desperately, it cannot stand to live in this one; this one is not good enough, so it must leave it behind, for the demonic Messiah pumped their lethargic minds and hearts with the most inane propaganda), its desperate need to fling itself into the future with reckless abandon (whatever the fuck the “future” means), its rampage of conquest and bitter, foul revenge against Nature, overcome by the Promethean urge to master and dominate our Mother, to usurp Her, and Her children, its rabid concoctions of a miserable, abstract design, which crumble into ash when the first strike hits it, and it is forced to confront the very fragile essence of what it is.
Beware, it shall all try to tempt you back into the fold, even though you want out, eager to break free. Sedate you with narcotics mind-numbing and brain-destroying, rotting you away from the inside out, until your corpse is a bastion of synthetic poison. Too riddled with disgusting products to even touch. Dull your connection to the natural world, by making you feast upon the critters in droves, seeing them not as “pure soul”, as Klages thought them to be, but soulless, as the bastard Descartes would have it; therefore, consuming them without guilt. Purchasing them for your own amusement, even (a most horrid slave trade). Demanding you regard the plants as little else but inanimate objects, novelty items that must be cleared away for more and more (of what? I cannot make heads or tails of it, only that I am repulsed by what may take their place), destroyed when deemed inconvenient, and gobbled up with reckless abandon when the utilitarian mindset deems them worth of their attention (a most grim fate, indeed). Warping your brain into looking at Nature, not as alive, as a living, breathing, thinking, feeling organism that, in all of its vastness, is beautiful and terrifying, wild and peaceful, bloody and tranquil, mesmerizing and macabre, but simply a mechanism, a machine, a system of turning gears and conveyor belts that produces things for the dullards to make use of. Perhaps it shall try to placate, “accept”, in the most shallow and superficial of ways. But do not be seduced by the false tongues, by the promises of windbags and liars. It is only for the mere sake of economic production, anyway. To ramp it up and increase it to new, dizzying heights. And they will lie, saying that one must rely on them, that this monstrosity is needed. Essential, even. A fixture that must be maintained and upheld, fanatically, with the devotion of a cult. Listen not, for it is hogwash.
I invite those who have been deemed “inhuman” by humanity, to stop pining for humanity’s eventual good graces, and leave them to perish in their wake, to fall into obscurity; they shall never come, so why bother? The freaks and queers, harlots and hedonists, incarnations of Lilith and Dionysus, radical, militant ones who remember/live the old pagan ways, and cackling, howling individuals of a satanic inclination, the savage and undomesticated, the vagabonds and homeless, you proud and brave few have been cast aside by man…and so be it. You didn’t need them anyway. Decadent, deviant, degenerate? By their standards, surely. All that can be responded with is, “yes”.
Maintain that individuality which causes friction between you and the monolith, Leviathan. It deems you an enemy? Very well; as Schmitt knew so well, once the distinction has been made, then you have no choice but to decimate that which deems you a threat, an enemy. For to call a detriment to your life a “friend” is a mistake, cowardly, reminiscent of the pitiful Nazarene. Do you want total war? Yes, you want total war. To smite and kill, and show this world your iron will.
Destroy them, destroy them all. We will dance on the ruins whilst rapture overtakes their sacred idols. Not now, not anytime soon, but one day, perhaps. All of these instruments of butchery have expiration dates, and therefore cannot last forever. But this is not a call to rebuild once the wheel has come down to grind us down into a paste. No, we must burn the wheel and hop off of it once and for all.
First off, I would like to say that have no problem with Julian Langer. I think Langer’s quite great, a friendly sort of person with an outlook on matters that I think is lucid, well-thought out, and quite refreshing. Not to mention, rather bold (after all, Langer’s one of the few, aside from FB, and myself, who has the guts to say that “ecofascism” is effectively not real, a big lie manufactured by the communists to paint all radically dissident greens as Nazis and fascists, because let’s face it, folks like us are a threat to the socialists, and when it comes time, I’m sure I’ll be cracking their skulls with my big ol’ boots, right beside all the fascists and white power shitheels. And they write in a manner that’s very whimsical, poetic, full of ornate and engaging language, something that is often lacking in anarchist theory. Usually theory and philosophical ponderings in our milieu are dry, dull, and can be a real slog (sorry to any who my be offended by this notion, and don’t think I’m placing myself above the rest).
However, what I am here for, what this essay of mine shall be about, is that I think Langer’s got veganism (or, at least, how folks like me and FB and Ria would approach veganism) all wrong, and why I think his understanding of veganism, in relation to things like anarchy and individualism, is shallow. Let’s get into why I believe this to be the case, shall we?
While I can’t speak for many vegans (and many vegans, indeed, get on my fucking nerves for a whole host of reasons, from their support for socialism/communism (or the opposite, being conservative goons or sometimes even full-blown scumbag fascists), to championing veganism as “civilized”, to trying to de-radicalize veganism so it can be “acceptable” and brought into the fold…to the point where I wonder how “vegan” these jackasses really are…), I, myself, see the exploitation of fauna and air, water, soil, etc., as horrific beyond belief, and my idea of veganism means fighting on behalf of the ground I walk upon, the air I breathe, the trees I gaze upon in the woods, and the water that makes up the river I live near. Indeed, a good many vegans probably are just concerned with animals, and animals alone (and even then, only reformist methods that eschew “violent, terroristic extremism” in favor of reformist, populist, legalist idiocy, proving they care not at all), I, and I’m very much convinced Flower Bomb and Ria Del Montana, and a great deal of anti-civilization vegans out there, do not exclude the flora, as well as the minerals, waters, and the very gas we consume to survive. I imagine the metaphysical side of this viewpoint is neglected, but I don’t think it would be inaccurate for me, and others like FB and Ria, to view the Earth as an entire living being. Much issue would be taken, I can infer, with the liberal, Enlightenment-borne idea that Nature is just some cold, lifeless machine that keeps chugging on, here to serve us by essentially being little else but a machine composed of various components and parts that can be isolated and sectioned off for whatever short-sighted purpose we have, because that’s a mindset perpetrated by leftists, rightists, economists, techno-fetishists, etc. Of which I, FB, and Ria are most certainly not. We are of the opinion that the Earth is very much alive, and is being killed by the life-denying philosophies civilization perpetuates wholesale. Obviously, we have to eat something, don’t we? But I’ve tried to do my best (which, I’ll admit, isn’t always (or even, at times, isn’t frequently) my best) to eat more fruit (which isn’t the plant itself, per se), and obviously a good deal of the veggies I eat are moreso byproducts of the plant, rather than being the plant itself. As well as steering clear of substitutes, which I tend to think are not great anyway. It’s not the best rationalization, yeah, but any sort of harm reduction, I think, is worth it. Point being, the delusions of grandeur humanity has instilled into itself do wage war against the water, which is harmed by being filled with toxic bullshit, the minerals and dirt and sand and rocks, gouged out by digging machines, greedy hands, probing eyes, and an assortment of structures planted firmly into the ground (the Freudian in me wants to equivocate this forceful insertion of hard monuments to death with rape and sexual violation), and we turn the air into a mode of strangulation, rather than a source of life. None of this, I support in any capacity. And the meat/dairy industries are fucking guilty. Now, anyone who knows me, knows that I am no egalitarian. That I find the idea of “equality” to be based in little else but utopian pipe dreams and a poor understanding of existence, and Nature. If things were all equal, all the same, in whatever arbitrary manner we use to define “equality” (because equality is always very open to interpretation), then things would have no individuality. Thus, they would not be free, for their egos, their unique selves, would be leveled flat. And if they were to ignore, to resist, this leveling, they would have to make themselves…unequal, I guess would be the right term. Different. Separate from the herd, from the crowd, from the many. Not to mention, egalitarianism requires enforcement to be achieved. Proudhon wasn’t right on very much (Stirner was very good at picking apart the old man’s horse shit, even if we ALL owe something to that same old man, even I do), but he was right in that any equality-obsessed society, is a society predicated upon and obsessed with surveillance. It is a fantasy, a phantom. It doesn’t exist. Ill-defined, as well, as previously said. When all is left to be as it will, organically and without interference, without disturbance, sameness shall not occur. Uniformity, rigidity, a dull, stale sort of crystallization of existence that resembles more an assembly line than life, shall not happen. Only when an outside presence comes into play, shall egalitarianism come to fruition.
This disbelief in egalitarianism, however, has nothing to do with ideas of “supremacy”. Supremacy relies on objective value judgments such as “better” or “worse”, both of which are entirely relative and have no basis in reality beyond the inane thoughts of individuals who might be so inclined to believe in idiotic ideas like “better” or “less” than. Supremacy is also usually used to justify all kinds of actions that I have nothing but contempt for, such as imperialism, ethnic cleansing, economic exploitation (and economics in general, especially the class/caste system), slavery, ecocide, rape/misogyny, gay bashing, and a whole host of other deplorable practices. To me, there is simply difference. And difference should be allowed to thrive and exist. Without difference, there is no freedom. A friend of mine, who is also a staunch vegan, told me that Nature eludes the idea of symmetry, of sameness. To be asymmetrical, is to be in line with Nature. Doctrines of leveling conformity are completely against Nature.
As for Flower Bomb believing vegans to be some sort of “step up” from the non-vegans, as an “evolution”, as Langer seems to characterize it, from the ones who aren’t vegan and thus are “lumped in with the rest”, I’ve never really found that to be the case with anything they’ve ever said. If anything, FB’s always been critical of elitist tendencies and forcing vegan edge on people. Rightly so. We’re not hardliners (although I must profess that I like some hardline bands). Our words shouldn’t sound like Walter Bond and Sean Muttaqi. On the flipside, just because someone is passionate about veganism, doesn’t make them an “elitist” or what have you. Humanism and the Darwinian notion that Homo Sapiens is the hot shit that deserves to be king of everything that exists because of some half-baked theories built upon progress and a Christian-like end goal to history…is, if anything, the real elitism. Not to mention, if one looks at all of the ecocide the meat/dairy industries cause, and how seriously destructive and torturous they are, then I’d say being vegan is the way to go if one is, in fact, anti authoritarian and anti exploitation. Contrary to what Langer may be thinking, me, FB, and Ria are not vegan FSU here to beat up all the meat eaters (although I have zero problem hunt sab or meat sab of any kind, and if you’re a butcher or hunter, you deserve a good ass kicking, because let’s face it…they aren’t doing that out of need; I can almost guarantee it, since most hunting these days is trophy hunting done purely for money and bravado). Though I’m going to be frank…they do get on my last damn nerve. I should know; I live amongst them, and have to deal with them day-in, and day-out. We aren’t vegan Slapshot, ready to go up to random grocery shoppers and slap steaks outta their hands…not yet, anyway. I definitely wouldn’t mind spoiling the carcasses they’re going to munch on later, just so they couldn’t have ‘em on their plates. Carnists are usually macho dicks overtaken by the need to prove how tough and “manly” are, I’m sure even Langer would agree, and they need to be called on their bullshit. They need to be reminded of all the consequences of their lifestyle choices, even the ones they hadn’t considered, and be shown how truly deep meat-eating goes. What they support has a whole slew of reasons to condemn it in the strongest terms. Hunters and butchers and cow-milkers and animal breeders and all those other fucking people? As far as I’m concerned, they can go die. What they do on a daily basis is inexcusable, and if they did what they do to animals, to people? There’d be uproar on a massive scale. But because animals are the victims, we’re told to not give a damn. And yet, we vegan individualists are the supposed “elitists”. Gimme a fuckin’ break…
Let me be the first to say: I am an individualist. A passionate, deeply individualistic sort of person, alright? Collectivism? Fuck all of that. Damn all manner of collectivism that seeks to make individuals ignore their own true will…and that likely condemns most forms of collectivism, doesn’t it? If not all of them outright. Hell, sometimes I am so passionately individualist and anti-collectivist, it causes friction. Usually between me and the reds, and those sympathetic to the reds. To the point where quite a few of them likely want to challenge me to fisticuffs over it. I know one in California damn sure does. Many will rant and rave about how individualism is pure selfishness. Maybe, maybe not. It can be, no doubt. However, one could easily make the case that collectivism is wholly selfish, rabid in its hatred for any and all heterogeneity, determined to crush whatever does not conform, and absorb it instead, molding it exactly however the collectivism that is taking place demands it manifest its existence.
Being an individualist, however, doesn’t mean that I have to agree with someone’s thoughts on a matter. In fact, I may very well have an intense dislike of their opinions regarding a certain subject. I’d say that’s the hallmark of being an individualist. When two unique beings come into contact who feel one way or another about this or that, there is bound to be conflict. There is bound to be “friction”. Yet, the uniques go their own way, do they not? Be it on amicable or amorous terms, they will continue to travel down whatever path it is they have chosen. Hardly anyone is being “condemned” here, I don’t think. Seems more like a disagreement of opinion. And if the disagreement turns a little squirrelly, well, hey, we’re all passionate, hard-headed people. It doesn’t mean we can’t “live and let live”, despite difference of opinion. Maybe the difference of opinion causes a permanent rift. So what? That’s “policing” or “condemnation”? If you want to live how you wish, be my guest.
On the other hand…if you’re going to talk about being against speciesism, and against the engine of civilization that wages an all out war on life as we know it, yet knowingly participate in something that tramples on all other species with sadistic glee and malicious intent, then I’m sorry, but you’re going to sound like a jackass in my eyes. It’d be one thing if you’re not all aware of how deep the rabbit hole goes, and you’re just chowing down on meat because that is all you know, or were at least vegetarian, or, hell, you were of the mindset of “well, I’m getting there, but it hasn’t happened yet”, being at least sympathetic and open to veganism, then hey, I could live with that. Because at least you’re trying, and at least you recognize there is an issue to be addressed. However, to be so hostile towards veganism, and the idea of being vegan? As a self-proclaimed “anti-speciest”? That makes zero sense in my eyes at all. Meat and dairy are genocidal apparatuses of civilization, and anyone who thinks they deserve to still be standing in any capacity, supports civilization to at least some degree.
Now, I’m under no illusion that all unique individuals are worthy of care, which is a stance Langer takes (note that I do not include Langer in this category; merely making a point). I’d argue the opposite, actually. There are many, many, many individuals I think we could do without. Nazis, rapist, pedophiles, wifebeaters, fagbashers, child abusers, cops, politicians, animal abusers, hunters, butchers, rich folks, a whole cavalcade of deplorable types who I would not be sad to see go whatsoever. Do I condemn them, and what they are? Sure, I’d say I do. Perhaps my aggression towards them might be argued to be a kind of “repression”. But I see it as self-defense. The kinds of human waste I just named are likely to be against the individual (human and non-human alike) being allowed to go their own way, to live how they wish, and instead be subject to another’s will. Another’s thoughts, desires, etc. From my perspective, all of these people are authoritarians. Fascists, even. Wholly deserving of such a heavy insult. Do they deserve care? Absolutely not. Not to me, anyway. All they’d do is impede my freedom, my liberation, my desires for what I think anarchy and total unrestriction are. I understand wanting to extend that care as much as possible, however…let’s be realistic at the same time. This system, this Leviathan, is violent against us. Always has been, always will be.
From what I have gathered, many anarchists have a limited view of what individualism is. Many individualists of an anarchist variety only see humans as being capable of living as unique beings. And their concept of “living as unique beings” can often come down to a depressingly shallow economic question: how free, in (insert economic ideology here), are they able to act? It’s entirely humanistic. Based on the Cartesian-esque principals that only humans are rational agents, and all else are mere soulless automatons. Put here on Earth for our use, our pleasure, our needs and wants. Standing-reserve, auxiliary resources to be gobbled up later by the hand of “technique” and repurposed into something else. I say boulderdash to all of this. Everything that is alive, from blades of grass to giant trees, from honeybees to great whales, has a will. A will that manifests uniquely. What Crowley called a “true will”. Being is experienced in a myriad of manners by all that contains the chaotic, rambunctious, hectic, incomprehensible ways of the ol’ cosmic pulse. To deny this to other lifeforms, is to be thoroughly anti-individualist. It just so happens that things like animal agriculture and the meat industry are denying the individuality of flora, and especially fauna. Meat/dairy consumption as it is perpetrated in our society, as it is propped up and upheld and pushed and ruthlessly employed, is totalitarian in every aspect. An engine of domination, of total control and authority. How can one claim to be anti-capitalist and anti-slavery, yet say nothing or do nothing against the meat/dairy industry? How can one claim to be anti-fascist, when the slaughterhouses and the farms and the slash-and-burn teams are still at large? Contrary to what Mr. Gelderloos says, that hack, veganism, for me, isn’t just some trendy consumerist venture for me to do after seeing some liberal friends of mine partake in it. It’s born out of the same mentality I employ in regards to not having a car, not buying a bunch of useless shit, not always paying for what I obtain from stores, hanging out in Nature as much as possible, not owning pets, not paying for movies, not getting intoxicated, etc., etc.
Again, I reiterate this: I do not have a problem with Langer. Never have. And I respect quite a bit of what he’s written. I don’t mean to condemn, I just think Langer’s got, to put it vulgarly, some shit mixed up. Got the wrong idea, if you will.
Arrogance flows in your veins, The trust and regard thrust upon you Drives me nearly insane, I’d like to take away What was bestowed by Red-stained hands, Turn it on your brain, Epitome of what a crooked culture Managed by a bunch of vultures Considers to be a man, Need to see your jugular drain, Pride of everyone’s town, Lauded by even those That should hate your guts, In your deranged attitude Your family drowns, Hard-on for dealing abuse, More than those you kill For dealing your drugs, The country’s biggest supply of ignorant thugs, We remember what you did in Texas, I recall, too, what you did in Philly, Go into a hood or trailer park, Beat down and rape those shoved into the dark, Trusting you seems more than a little fucking silly!
I’ve seen you around before, Jerkoff who used to trash What this is And what it Meant to me, and others like me, But now you’re creeping in Through the revolving door, Yet I doubt you’ll stay Past a year or two Once it’s stopped being Fashionable for you, Hijacked by folks who Don’t know, and likely Can never know, this thing that Keeps me alive…
It’s a matter of fact that I’m going to snap, Leave it all behind and vanish Deep into the middle of the night, Never to return; why the fuck should I? You’re already aware that I can’t hack it, Pointing it out like I don’t know, The only difference is I’m gonna embrace It on one of these dreary days, Just uproot altogether and go! Weeks are long, months are Eternities; I miss those spaced out so far, Since I feel closer to them, those that Understand; your attempts to know me Have fallen hilariously flat! As I write, I’m making my peace with this Decision I’ll have to make and keep, I won’t say goodbye the hour I leave, Just a note and a room full of memories! My eyes water as I await more grueling months, Yet I assure myself I just gotta suffer a bit more, Then after this last slog, I can run away and be done…
Millions of warm bodies surround me, Yet I feel so distant and cold, It doesn’t get better than this, Or at least that’s what I’m told!
But in my time spent out there, T’would appear I’ve come to disagree, Day by day, night by night, I’m Shocked by how unhinged they prove to be!
Can I really count myself As another one of you, Would I, embracing the so-called reality Of my existence, feel it to be true?
Love; it’s what I’m told to Meet you with, as one of my theoretical “own”, Freely give it out and dole, However, I find it difficult to love those Who so clearly lack a soul!
It hurts to breathe, Very well may suffocate, Damned to live and die as one of them, Bitter tears roll as a result of my bitter fate!
Condemned from birth, I feel like a walking hearse, Getting shoved into this species is a curse, “Neigh!”, screams my heart to these destroyers of Earth, So I’ll just walk away and leave you to burn, Even as you roast, I doubt you’ll learn!
Murder minded, Stomach turned into A cemetery, Intestinal tract is Where they’re all Fucking buried, The mere thought of Giving it up, to you, Seems so fucking scary!
Your appetite is Built upon genocide, Lacking any discipline; just Consume whether it’s grilled or fried, Not brave to consider the families Rotting away inside of your gut, And you scowl at this mention, Too neck-deep in the mud to Give a fuck!
Walking graveyard Sustained by death, To live you must steal All of their breaths, How you salivate at the Blood on your plate, More and more is all you crave, Needing constant murder to satiate!
Don’t preach shit to me About liberty, Yammering about oppression When you demand that They shouldn’t be free, I don’t wish to hear it, Excuse after excuse, Championing control, Perpetuator of woe, Enjoying the abuse!
Dulling minds To the horrors outside, Keeping us locked in a cage, Quelling that well-justified rage, Going after those condemned to die Under the veil of a blackened sky, Acting like the law that you Claim to hate, Lynched bodies Of the disenfranchised Hang in your wake!
Another slew of kids Cross your path, More women coerced, Feeling your wrath, Pushing poison to the ones Who frolic with the same gender Under threat of a gun, Eager to see ‘em all get fucking done!
I’ve had enough of trying to Understand your side, Claiming to fight the system While aiding them In goddamn genocide!
So many are crushed under The weight of your boot, Painting yourself as a hero When really you’re a dictator That we need to fucking shoot!
Preying on your people, Viewing them as cattle to Rake in dough from while all Strung-out and feeble, Not allowed to condemn you While you rape and pillage Land and communities Just to turn it into another ruined village!
While the powers-that-be, Your co-conspirators, Can lie to my face About who and what it is you are, My eyes clearly see you’re a disgrace, And I think that your oppressive ways Have been allowed to go too fucking far!
I know you’d shoot me for this, Because my words are true, Even your clientele fucking hate you, Damn that makes you rabidly pissed!
Expel the profiteer who keeps you down, Bash the bloodsucker that wants you in the ground, Whether they be legitimatized or not, Don’t your lives be sold and bought!
“I found this…odd book today. Kept in the, er, religious/mysticism section of my library. Was on the prowl for something out of the ordinary, and it definitely would appear that I got my wish. Heh. Seemed pretty interesting. I decided to check it out. Take it home with me, y’know? Lady who works the front desk looked at me skeptically when her eyes caught it. Only book I’ve seen her act that way towards. She was also strangely silent towards me. Didn’t bid me the usual farewell or anything. No pleasant chit-chat. Oh well.”
“Started thumbing through that new book. Title’s…indecipherable. Written in an alphabet I clearly can’t read. Doesn’t look like any language I’ve ever heard of. Not even Arabic. Anyway, flipped through it to gauge it. Pages are filled with whatever writing this is. Can’t read it worth a damn. Lots of interesting illustrations, though. Creatures that don’t exist, hell, can’t exist. Really detailed depictions, too. Same with some of these monuments, buildings, locations. Holy shit. Whoever penned this thing had a wild imagination. I mean, none of these settings are possible or real, surely. But goddamn…they’re so vivid. So intricately penned. I also saw…what I guess were instructions? I assume that’s what they were. Next to and placed between what looked like really…really demented rituals and sacrifices. Good god, I hope no one ever tried any of that shit.”
“Couldn’t…couldn’t stop thinking about that book. Didn’t sleep too great last night. Got maybe…maybe 3 hours in total, I would say? Every time I closed my eyes, I had these…really fucked up scenes just flash in my brain. Violent, gory. Kept jumping right out of bed, not sure where I was. As a result, I was out of it at work. And my mind would not stop wandering back to that…that stuff I saw in my dream. Fuck…it felt so real. Every time I tried to shove it down or forget about it, or the contents of that book, it only intensified. My boss and coworkers looked at me weird. Must’ve appeared I was having a breakdown of some kind. Now…I’m at home. Pacing back and forth. God, for some reason…I feel like I’m being watched. Something’s right behind my back, I know there is. But every time I turn, nothing is fucking there. I swear…I swear I hear very faint cackling. I have to concentrate to hear it. But it’s there. It’s fucking there…”
“Haven’t slept all night. Couldn’t even if I wanted to. My hands are shaking. I don’t know if it’s from the gashes in my arms or the amount of pure fucking fear. Haven’t done much in the apartment. Certainly not touched the book. Just kinda…sit down and think. Occasionally have a loud outburst. Scream. Shout. Not even anything coherent. Lights went out at some point. All the power did. It’s so dark…I’m so scared. My eyes keep focusing on that bloodied knife. For whatever reason, I feel compelled to jam it right into my jugular vein. But I fear what comes after I depart life is much worse than the torments currently troubling me. Visions of snarling, gurgling, retching…things. Beings. Shit, I don’t even know how to describe them. Just aching for my flesh. Oh god…please…I’m not the praying type. Yet…I can’t help but hope. Have a little faith. Doubt it’d do me any good, though. I know there is no god here. Tried to call friends. Family. Anyone. Didn’t work…didn’t work at all. I’m alone.”
“Heishereheishereheishereheishereheishere…demandssacrificedemandssacrificedemandssacrifice…oh god, the pain. Arms…hurt…painted sigils on…walls. What he wanted. What he needs…heneedsheneedsheneedsheneedsmybloodmybloodmybloodmybloodmyblood…wants to taste. Smells my…fear. The cackling…the cackling. I can hear it. Cannot see him. But the pharaoh. Oh, the howling…it’s…it’s terrible. Stop…make it stop. He will not stop. Hewillnotstophewillnotstophewillnotstophewillnostop. Oh the blood…it tastes sweet. I see why he wants…needs…must offer myself. Pick up the knife. The knife…through the knife, he shall taste the flesh and the blood. Yes…”
Who really would’ve guessed it was him, of all people? Of all the shitbags out there, it was him? It just don’t make no sense, don’t it?
Naw, clean cut fella like ‘im ovah there? Couldn’t have done in it. Shit, if you would’ve told me, I wouldn’t have believed ya. Part of me still don’t really believe it myself.
Ya see, it ain’t never the…obvious choice, that does all this crazy sort of insanity, hackin up young girls, and chokin em, and molestin em…naw, that’d be too simple. The raggedy bum, the smelly hippie, the long-haired kid with a scowl…ha, you simple ass fool. The usual suspects ain’t the ones stashin body parts in the basement, having strange, deviant rituals with whatever’s left behind. Oh, you’d want it to be that convenient, wouldn’t ya?
Well, truth of the matter is…it’s the one ya least expect. Good lookin fella with that charming grin that makes all the ladies swoon. Smart as a whip, could go to any goddamn college he wanted. Has a good record with the law, and his parents don’t suspect a fuckin thing about him. Just destined to be another all-American shinin star. Another pride of the family.
Oh, I can see it. And I can believe it.
Keep tellin yourself that them eyes don’t hide sadism and pure iciness behind em, when you see another one of them types cross your paths.”